I’m turning 21 next week. And I have a confession to make.
I do not have my life figured out.
I do not know where I’ll end up in ten years. Or five years. Or even two years.
That’s something that was really hard for me to come to terms with, especially around the time of my birthday. Every year I feel like I’m supposed to be better than I am. Like I’m supposed to have my life figured out already. I’m turning 21 on the 24th of June, and I’m trying really hard not to feel like that this year.
I’m starting college again after the summer, and that was a really tough and scary decision to make. I don’t know if I’ll like it, I don’t know if I’ll finish it. I don’t know if I’ll even end up working in this field, because my previous degree is in a completely unrelated field. I’m switching from journalism to social work, and although that doesn’t mean I’ll quit working in journalism (I love it way too much), who even does that?
But I want to do what feels good. I want to do what feels right, what’s calling my name. It’s really hard for me to listen to that inner voice sometimes, because my conscious brain will tell me something else. I’m a very impulsive person and sometimes that scares me. I’m afraid that decisions that feel good in the moment will end up being a mistake later on. That fear is about much more than just the decision of going back to school. It trickles in my relationships, both in friendships and romantically, as well as my work, blog and YouTube channel.
It’s weird to think about how impulsive I am, because I’m also a very anxious person, and I overthink a lot. That’s a complicated combination, and I often end up overthinking impulsive decisions I have made in the past.
I’m getting off track a bit, but the point is that I’m not okay in a lot of ways. And at the same time, I’m also doing absolutely amazing. I met an amazing guy recently who motivates and inspires me a lot, and I’ve surrounded myself with a bunch of people who fully support me in whatever I do, and I’m so grateful for that.
I’m turning 21 next week and I’ve grown so much. In the past year, in the past month, even in the last 30 minutes while writing this blog post. I’ve come to the realization that it’s okay to be unsure about the future, to not know where you’ll end up. I might not always be okay, but I’m okay.