I’m okay but I’m not okay, okay?

I’m turning 21 next week. And I have a confession to make.

I do not have my life figured out.

I do not know where I’ll end up in ten years. Or five years. Or even two years.

That’s something that was really hard for me to come to terms with, especially around the time of my birthday. Every year I feel like I’m supposed to be better than I am. Like I’m supposed to have my life figured out already. I’m turning 21 on the 24th of June, and I’m trying really hard not to feel like that this year.

I’m starting college again after the summer, and that was a really tough and scary decision to make. I don’t know if I’ll like it, I don’t know if I’ll finish it. I don’t know if I’ll even end up working in this field, because my previous degree is in a completely unrelated field. I’m switching from journalism to social work, and although that doesn’t mean I’ll quit working in journalism (I love it way too much), who even does that?

But I want to do what feels good. I want to do what feels right, what’s calling my name. It’s really hard for me to listen to that inner voice sometimes, because my conscious brain will tell me something else. I’m a very impulsive person and sometimes that scares me. I’m afraid that decisions that feel good in the moment will end up being a mistake later on. That fear is about much more than just the decision of going back to school. It trickles in my relationships, both in friendships and romantically, as well as my work, blog and YouTube channel.Β 

It’s weird to think about how impulsive I am, because I’m also a very anxious person, and I overthink a lot. That’s a complicated combination, and I often end up overthinking impulsive decisions I have made in the past.

I’m getting off track a bit, but the point is that I’m not okay in a lot of ways. And at the same time, I’m also doing absolutely amazing. I met an amazing guy recently who motivates and inspires me a lot, and I’ve surrounded myself with a bunch of people who fully support me in whatever I do, and I’m so grateful for that.

I’m turning 21 next week and I’ve grown so much. In the past year, in the past month, even in the last 30 minutes while writing this blog post. I’ve come to the realization that it’s okay to be unsure about the future, to not know where you’ll end up. I might not always be okay, but I’m okay.

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19 thoughts on “I’m okay but I’m not okay, okay?

  1. I’m in my late 60s (but don’t tell anyone) and when I qualified as a teacher just before I was 22 I had no idea that I would live in 8 different countries, breed animals for pet shops, run the worst riding school in the world, fall into writing, get involved with radio and TV and, and and – my point is, go with the flow, life is out there and fate or whatever you believe will show you the way. enjoy, grab every moment – never sit in the old folks home saying ‘If only.’ πŸ™‚

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  2. I turn 26 this year, i am married, have a kid and one on the way and i still feel this exact same way! I am always wondering if my decisions are right and constantly feeling like I should be ahead of where I am! Love this post because it is so relatable! You are doing good, trust your instincts and enjoy the ride!

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    • Thanks for your response Anne! Seems like you’ve already accomplished quite a bit at 26. I think the most important thing is that we’re happy right where we are and appreciate it knowing that we’re still growing. Thanks so much for stopping by, I really appreciate it. πŸ™‚

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  3. Guess what I don’t have my life entirely figured out either. There is no time limit or anything like that. You just have to live it and figure it out as you go along. You might reach the point of having it sorted out by the time you are 50 or so.

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  4. I love this. No one is ever truly sure of what is going to happen, or even what they want. And that’s totally okay. If you don’t know where you’re going, that’s okay. If you don’t know who you are, that’s okay! It is 100% not to be okay. Everything will come together with a little time and searching. I’m proud of you πŸ™‚

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  5. Happy Birthday. I’m turning 70 in August and still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. But I can say life has been one helluva trip, most of it enjoyable. Enjoy the ride, make the best of it and always love yourself just as you are. “To thine own self be true.”

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    • Thanks so much! I love that you said ”I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up”, and I aspire to be a little bit like you when I’m 70. You seem like such a adventurous person. πŸ™‚ Love the quote as well, thanks for stopping by.

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  6. Well, I’m 57 and still trying to figure my life out, even after owning several businesses and helping raise three daughters into adulthood. These are very dynamic times with young and old alike needing to be forward thinking, flexible and open minded. Good luck to all of us πŸ‘

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    • Thanks for sharing this! I think we’ll always have that feeling of ”wanting to have life figured out” and I think that’s something you and I can relate to, even though we’re in such different places in life. I think that’s so interesting!

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  7. Happy birthday! It’s okay not to know where you are heading. Enjoy the journey and allow the twists and turns of life to take you on a great adventure. Enjoy it all!

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  8. Girl, I feel ya. I turned 21 two days ago and I too am anxious and worried about the future. What helps me though is knowing that there are so many people in the exact same position (even if they don’t show it or know it) and that really, having your life planned and on a good track by our age is completely unrealistic. I don’t need to be stressing about getting a job as soon as I graduate because eventually I will find a job and things will work out. We’re 21, not 31. We are still young. That being said, if you ever need a peer to talk to, hit me up because as I said, I do know exactly how you feel.

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    • Happy belated birthday to you! It’s true that it’s quite unreleastic, and rationally I know that, but I still feel that need to know where I’m heading. I’m a bit of a control freak sometimes I guess, haha. You said it perfectly though, and thanks for the response! It feels great to know I’m not alone, and it’s perfectly fine to feel the way I feel.

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